My youngest Silas is two and a half. He is suddenly talking up a storm. He is completely potty trained even at night. He can do a million things all by himself.

But he is still my baby.

Last night when it came time to go to bed, we tracked down Mr. Monkey, but we could not locate the one other thing absolutely necessary for bedtime. The pacifier.

Over time pacifiers have come and pacifiers have gone, but about six months ago we decided when they went, we weren’t replacing them. And over time we whittled them down (seriously where do these things disappear to? Somewhere with all the missing sock pairs) to just one. One pacifier we guarded with our life.

But last night it honestly disappeared into thin air. It was in the car when we left for church. It was not in the car when we got home. We ran around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to find it but it just wasn’t happening.

So we broke it to the little dude that he was going to sleep pacifier free. There was a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth. Silas was upset too.

This is my third child to break of the pacifier habit. It isn’t my first time at the rodeo. But it breaks my heart every time. And I think because Silas is forever my baby, it broke my heart even more. He whimpered and begged and then was silent. I feared going in his room and stirring up trouble so I moved my pillow to the floor outside his bedroom door and waited.

He was a champ. Last night he ended up in our bed (with his feet somehow in my face), but today he went down for a nap and for bed without so much as a whimper.

Of course we found the pacifier in the car today. In the exact spot both Ryan and I looked last night. Silas caught me finding it and his eyes lit up. But we told him the pacifier was done. And he didn’t protest. I am so proud of that little guy, my heart could burst.

Of course this means my baby is one step further away from being my baby. Back to that wailing and gnashing of teeth…..

One of my absolute favorite sponsor suites at Blissdom was the Hallmark Suite (just to be clear, this post is not sponsored by them in any way). I have been admiring Hallmark for awhile now because it seems every time I fall in love with a post by a blogger that I love it is part of their “Life Is A Special Occasion” campaign.

Their suite at Blissdom was full of cards that they sent on our behalf  to people we loved both inside and outside the conference. My kids love getting mail so they each got one. My husband deserved far more than a card telling him how much I appreciated him shouldering the load so I could go to Nashville. And I sent a few out to some of my blogging besties who couldn’t make the conference this year, letting them know it wasn’t the same without them.

I am not a big card sender. I am also not so great at sharing heart felt emotion. But between the ideas expressed by Hallmark at Blissdom and the ones in this beautiful post by my friend Emily I know that there is something powerful about not just telling people how you feel, but putting “pen to paper” and letting people know how you feel.

I have been pretty open on my blog about my struggle to be the mom I want to be to Lily. It seems while I can rock out awesome parenting moments with Silas and Hannah, I find my rock star moments with Lily are fewer and farther between.

But the thing is I adore her. I mean obviously I love all my kids, but she MADE me a mom. She is so bright and beautiful and confident and amazing. She challenges me not only as a mom but as a person. And not just in a “oh my word how do I parent this kid” way. I mean she truly makes me a better person with her wisdom and insight about the things life throws at us. She is kind of an old soul.

I don’t know how many of you are raising first born daughters. Being one myself I know what a special breed we are. I know I have a lot of expectations for her that I frankly don’t put on my other two kids. I know I am a bit harder on her and tend towards being critical. And I know she often doesn’t get my full attention because I am busy with the other two. I know these things and I know they aren’t fair. Yet I also know that I continue to do them more often than I should.

Lately we seem to be butting heads again. I am ending far too many days frustrated at myself for how I handled things with her. I am also ending far too many days thinking I should just stop saving for her college and start saving for her therapy instead.

She hasn’t loved school this year, which has been hard because in years past she has ended each day of school barely able to wait for the next one. She doesn’t struggle academically but she has complained a lot about how she doesn’t like anything they are learning. Her teacher had even mentioned to us during her fall conferences that Lily doesn’t seem especially happy at school.

We had spring conferences tonight and they went completely opposite. Her teachers talked about how happy Lily is at school. How she is kind to those around her and a favorite to partner with during group times. They talked about how much neater her work is and how she seems to be putting forth more effort. And they shared how confident she is in who she is, something I wish I as an adult knew the secret to.

(Later I asked her what had changed to make her happier at school. And she answered like it was the most obvious answer in the world. “I just decided to change my attitude about it.” See? Wise soul.)

I headed out of her conferences so blessed by all that I had heard. As I walked down the hallway, replaying the kind words said about my daughter I turned around and headed back to her locker. I took a moment to leave her a note on her white board letting her know that I loved her and was proud of her. I hope that message doesn’t get erased and that on a day when she is tempted to get sucked into the mean girl drama, or doesn’t do as well on a test as she wanted or we had one of “those mornings” at home before school, she will see those words and remember how very much she is loved. And how very very proud I am to be her mom.

Who do you need to tell how you feel about them? And what are you waiting for?

Again this post isn’t sponsored by Hallmark in any way. But I hope they inspire you like they have inspired me to tell the people in your life who need to hear it how much they mean to you. They have this awesome “Tell Them” campaign where you can vow to tell your loved ones exactly what they need to hear. I think it is pretty awesome. Check it out.

One of my favorite sessions at Blissdom was a writing session by Jeff Goins titled How to Fall Back in Love with Writing and Create Your Best Work Yet (you can find a very good summary here). It was what inspired my “State of the Blog” post and at the same time has me quaking in my boots.

You see Jeff ended his session with a challenge. He asked us write something dangerous, something you’re afraid to write but feel like you are meant to write. Then we were to link up on his site.

I immediately panicked because I knew exactly what that post was going to be.

It may sound crazy but this post has been trying to claw its way out of me for awhile now. But I am not a big fan of vulnerability and feelings and such, so I have stuffed it back down to its rightful place. Apparently my stuffing has been in vain. Because it appears this post is coming out anyway.

To start, we must go backwards quite a bit. I feel like I am about to lay down on the therapist couch. Won’t you join me cause we might be here awhile.

In elementary school I had a best friend named Jenny (see we are going way back). We were inseparable and although other friends were in our circle none were as close and Jenny and I. She was as loyal as a friend could be.

But loyalty isn’t a treasured commodity once you hit junior high. Popularity is. And Jenny wasn’t popular. So I ditched my loyal friend when the popular girls came calling. It is a decision that honestly haunts me to this day.

The problem with the popular crowd is that they are a finicky bunch. One day you are right in the thick of it and the next you are on the outs. These girls were most definitely my friends and at times I may have even been on top, but the further you climb, the faller you have to fall. And so I learned to grow a thick skin. I also learned over time that female friendships were not to be trusted.

As friends in high school and college disappointed me the walls grew taller, the skin thicker and the mistrust deepened. If you knew me during those days I think you would have said I had lots of friends (at least I hope you would have said that) but I really kept everyone at arm’s length.

This trend continued until I moved to Chicago. There I met some women who just weaseled their way in my life and wouldn’t let go. I am so grateful for that because little by little they broke my walls down.

But then we moved. I dug my heels in against moving because moving would mean leaving this community that was life changing for me. And I knew, that even with best intentions, those friendships would never be the same. Although those women are some of the most treasured people in my life, today it isn’t the same.

Blogging has been a double edged sword for me. On the one hand it has brought the most amazing women into my life. I had no idea I could develop such strong relationships with people who essentially live in my computer. Anyone who doubts the “realness” of a friendship that you make through blogging is probably someone who hasn’t’ been in the blogging community very long.

On the other hand, making friends with people online is an easy save for someone who guards herself against going deep. It isn’t hard to hold people at arm’s length when they are many states away and only available in 140 characters. I don’t mean to lessen the importance of these friendships because they are honestly some of the best friends I have known, but I still have managed to distance myself from all the messiness that “real life” friendships require.

Again, if you know me you probably think that I have a lot of friends (again, I hope you think that). And I DO have a lot of friends. But I can no longer pretend that they are the deep, meaningful friendships that my soul longs for. Which also means I have had to admit that my soul really does long for something more. Perhaps those walls I have built aren’t so solid after all.